Ep. 5: My Bad.
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Welcome to today's episode where we'll be exploring the difficult topic of self-forgiveness. Many of us have been in situations where we know we should have made a different decision, but instead, we made a mistake that ended up hurting someone else. It's easy to beat ourselves up and fall into a cycle of self-blame and regret, but how do we move forward and forgive ourselves when we're the ones at fault?
Join us as we dive into strategies and techniques for practicing self-compassion and forgiveness, and ultimately finding peace and healing after making a mistake.
WHAT TO LISTEN FOR:
How to forgive yourself when you’re at fault [0:24]
The first step towards self-forgiveness is acknowledging mistakes then taking responsibility for your actions.
Practice self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who made a mistake.
Reflect on what happened and understand why you made the mistake.
Apologize and make amends to the person you hurt.. This can help you and the other person move forward and heal.
Focus on your strengths and positive qualities. Making a mistake doesn't define who you are as a person.
Let go of perfectionism. Embrace your imperfections and learn from them.
Practice mindfulness. Stay in the present moment.
Don't let your past mistakes consume you.
Seek support from loved ones or a therapist if needed. It's okay to ask for help and support during the process of self-forgiveness.
Navigating hurt feelings [2:37]
Hurting someone's feelings intentionally or unintentionally feels bad either way.
Difficult conversations that may hurt someone's feelings are sometimes necessary.
Forgiveness is necessary for both the person who hurt someone's feelings intentionally and unintentionally.
There are different levels of hurt, and forgiveness may be required depending on the situation.
There may be a feeling of being misunderstood when intentions do not align with the impact of the words.
A bruised ego may result from hurting someone's feelings.
The inevitability of encountering "speed bumps" in human relationships [8:14]
We want the good without the bad in human relationships.
Speed bumps and conflicts are inevitable in any relationship.
The greatness of humanity is experiencing the entirety of emotions.
The key part of knowing who is at fault [14:10]
Knowing when you are at fault requires the other person to tell you and having a conversation about it in a productive and less emotionally charged way.
Some people may not have the resolve to have difficult conversations and may just discard relationships when things don't go their way.
We should aim to resolve conflicts in our relationships instead of throwing people away.
It's important to communicate with the other person that you would like to talk it out and resolve the conflict, even if they may not be invested in it.
Learning to have difficult conversations and conflict resolution can help us all move forward.
Unaddressed trauma and moving forward [16:43]
The amount of unaddressed trauma in society.
There is a history of not addressing trauma and simply moving on.
Society often focuses on moving forward rather than healing.
Healing should be a more significant part of conversations around trauma.
"Moving on" is often viewed as letting go of baggage, but this may not be the case
Unhealed trauma can resurface when triggered by a seemingly small incident
People may wait for someone to make a mistake so they can "get them told"
This cycle of unresolved conflict can prevent healing and growth
Navigating the haze of forgiving oneself [24:12]
The struggle with reconciling with oneself when at fault in a situation which can lead to depression and making the same mistake repeatedly.
Learning to give ourselves grace and mercy which helps to also extend grace and mercy to others.
Reframing failure as a natural part of life and adjust their goals accordingly.
Taking action and not waiting until they are "ready" to pursue goals
Asking for advice on how to deal with situations when at fault.
What does that look like forgiving yourself? [35:35]
Going through a process of working through the situation
Affirming one's worthiness of forgiveness is important
Everyone makes mistakes and it's a part of the human experience
Acknowledge the mistake and forgive oneself for it
Focus on healing and moving forward
Part of moving on involves dealing with the difficult aspects of the situation
Reflect on what happened, how it hurt, and what was lost
Learn from the experience and use it to grow
EPISODE QUOTES:
Let the person know that you've been offended, because then I've noticed that if you don't address it, it's like pebbles that get stored away. And so one pebble is finally the one thing that breaks and unleashes all of them because you've never addressed any of them to begin with.
- Shaté Hayes
I think a key part of knowing that you're at fault is for the other person to tell you and for y'all to have the conversation in a way that's not too emotionally charged, like not productive.
- Shaté Hayes
The relationship you have with yourself is the most complicated because you can't walk away from you.
- Scott Hayes
RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE:
‘Equipment' - Edgar A. Guest
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
CHECK IN WITH SCOTT AND SHATÉ:
Spotify Playlist - Music for this moment.
Follow @iamshate on Instagram
Follow @scotthayes_lcsw on Instagram
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