Ep. 56: Redefining Manhood: Getting support is the real flex.
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In this episode, we’re challenging societal norms of manhood.
Data shows that many men, despite knowing that talking openly is an effective way of dealing with their problems, still keep quiet so they don’t appear weak or unmanly. Who taught them that?
Men, this is the sign you’ve been looking for. Today, we’re affirming that getting the support you need does NOT make you weak—in fact, it is the real flex.
WHAT TO LISTEN FOR
Men fears to appear “unmanly” [1:06]
Data suggests that men, especially adult men, find it hard to talk about their feelings, despite knowing that it could solve their problems—why did they become like this?
Unlearning what ‘manhood’ really is
For parents: your disappointment in yourself could show up in how you treat your kids, your family, and other people. This is why there are kids who feel like they’ll never be “good enough”
“Maladaptive” (unhealthy) behaviors and how they show could up [10:43]
Maladaptive behaviors are behaviors that don’t benefit you in the long run
Avoiding the conflict rather than facing it head-on
How the world robs men off their humanity [11:53]
Not having the support that they need when they feel rejected
Simple, careless statements such as “Big boys don’t cry”
Men’s feelings tend to be dismissed to “you shouldn’t be feeling that way” that sometimes lead to developing maladaptive behaviors (e.g. being a womanizer)
In times of loss, men are painted as the ones who have to be strong, leaving no room to process their own grief
The kind of support Black men (and women) needs [20:00]
Everyone deserves healthy relationships—relationships where there could be disagreement but not disconnection.
Relationships where the other pushes the other to be better
Having a space where they’re free to feel whatever they’re feeling
The haze of overcoming the idea of manhood [25:23]
Giving yourself permission to feel when society tells you not to
Succumbing to vulnerability when everyone expects you to be a superhero
Not mistaking oversharing with vulnerability—finding the right community who resonate with you
Having a safe AND a brave space to talk through challenges
Navigating the haze [33:38]
Being with people who will push you to be better
Letting a therapist be part of your community
In relationships: knowing how to communicate properly to get what you need, as well as give what the other person needs
What it really means to be strong [49:52]
Learning emotion regulation: what do you do with what you feel?
If you or someone you know could find value in the Healing Myself community, please feel free to reach out! You can leave a comment or send us an email at connect@healingmyself.co
EPISODE QUOTES:
Be wise and who you choose to open up to.
- Shaté Hayes
I felt awful. Not just not just awful, but I felt unseen. And the responsibility that I had to take for that was, I did not allow the people that I was in relationship to see me, because I thought that it was my job as a man to like, be this unseen provider. And as long as the person that I'm supporting is thriving, and they look good, then I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.
- Scott Hayes
Sometimes you just have to know when there are spaces that you can't be in, because of who you are as a person.
- Scott Hayes
But if our starting point is telling men and boys and our young male babies, that “you shouldn't even feel this because you're a boy. You should not cry because you fell down because you're a boy. And big boys don't cry.” If that is our starting point, then we're emotionally crippling our children.
- Scott Hayes
RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE:
Listen to One Man Can Change the World by Big Sean
Listen to Brotha by Angie Stone
CHECK IN WITH SCOTT AND SHATÉ:
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