Ep. 57: Dating Diaries: Choosing and getting “chose.”
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Today, we're taking a deep dive into today's dating culture, or maybe it's going to be a shallow dive. Who knows? But one thing we do know is that we've watched a lot of black love shows, and we are ready to talk about it.
But it's not just about the shows, it's about what we can learn from them. We've seen how people choose their partners and what it says about their own personal growth and development. And as a couple in a fulfilling relationship ourselves, we're excited to share our perspective on dating culture and what it means for our own journey.
WHAT TO LISTEN FOR
Dating Culture and Emotional Intelligence [1:35]
Dating culture as portrayed on television shows provides insights into how people choose their partners and what they find valuable and attractive.
Authenticity and communication of needs and desires are important in building fulfilling relationships.
Emotional intelligence is crucial in understanding where people are in their personal growth journey and how they show up in relationships.
Emotional maturity allows people to identify red flags and areas where they may need more personal growth.
“Beyond the List” [8:14]
The importance of being clear about what one wants in a partner, but also realizing that the perfect list may not necessarily lead to a fulfilling relationship.
Having a list and getting someone who fits it will not guarantee a peaceful and fulfilling relationship.
Importance of values alignment and emotional connection in building a fulfilling relationship over just having superficial traits on a list.
The “role” of Individuality and effective communication [10:55]
Past experiences can sometimes influence the traits we prioritize in a partner.
Communication and willingness to learn a partner's love language is essential in a relationship.
Understanding individuality and what certain traits and behaviors mean for each person is important.
It's crucial to understand what people want, desire, and need in a relationship and assess whether you can meet those needs.
The Shallow Dive: The Importance of Digging Deeper in Relationships [16:48]
Many dating shows lack depth and do not encourage individuals to take a deeper dive into their potential partner's true self.
The struggle between an individual's ideal self and their true self can create disappointment for both the individual and their partner.
It is important to be authentic and show up as oneself in a relationship, rather than pretending to be someone else.
The key to a successful relationship is alignment, specifically aligned values and desires.
The haze of dating based on a lot of values [19:45]
Shared values are important for sustaining a relationship
Looks will fade, people will change, shared values remain constant
Dating just to have a warm body is not fulfilling
Lack of interest, connection or alignment means not going on further dates
Feeling left behind by friends getting engaged can be problematic
Focusing on self-love and bucket list goals can attract love
Waiting for someone with shared values, but also holding oneself accountable.
Navigating the haze of choosing [29:08]
Know what you want and choose accordingly
Don't just settle for whoever is choosing you
Choose what you want, even if it's not currently choosing you
Focus on how it feels, not just on specific criteria
Be open to unexpected situations or packages, as long as it feels right for you
Seek advice from wise counsel when necessary
Making a choice requires navigating feelings and potential challenges
Making the choice [32:35]
Don't resign to whoever is giving you attention, choose the person you want to be with.
Broaden your list of criteria to focus on how you want the relationship to feel, rather than specific details.
It's okay to navigate feelings that come up in the process of finding a partner.
Our desires and willingness to do the work to find a compatible partner inform how we show up in relationships.
EPISODE QUOTES:
I think the freedom to get to know people and to be able to communicate what it is that you want, and desire and relationship gives the opportunity to have people understand, and maybe like you enough. To want to show up in that way to love you in a way that you desire to be loved.
- Scott Hayes
I hope someone is first at the point where they're looking for values like that's what they're looking for shared values, because I believe that's what sustains a relationship. Beauty and looks will fade. People will change, we're gonna evolve.- Shaté Hayes
I think that what we want and what we desire, and our willingness to get to that inform the way that we show up in relationship.
- Scott Hayes
RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE:
Queens Court
Love Goals
Ready to Love
Love and Marriage Huntsville
NiVEA
CHECK IN WITH SCOTT AND SHATÉ:
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