Ep. 66: OPP…Other People’s Problems.
WATCH:
LISTEN:
Today, we’re coming for all the inherent problem solvers out there. When your loved ones share their problems with you, it’s almost second nature for some of us to jump right into solution-ing. But what does it look like to just listen, to just be a safe space for your loved one to work through their problem on their own? Well, we’re about to eff around and find out.
If you’re someone who’s always itching to solve someone else’s problem, tune in, because there’s something you need to know…
WHAT TO LISTEN FOR:
There are problems that are not yours to solve [3:09]
Sometimes, it doesn’t help to tell people how to solve a problem, especially when you see things in different perspectives
People solve problems in different paces
The self centered perspective on problem solving
In order to own the outcomes of our choices, we sometimes need to solve things on our own—this helps us avoid blame-shifting
Letting our loved ones solve their problems while still being there for them [10:43]
Being there when they need to vent
Providing suggestions only when asked
Empower them to have more autonomy, make more decisions on their own
The haze of letting our loved ones fight their battles [14:19]
If you give them the answer, you take away the opportunity of letting them find the answer and learn on their own
“I'm not just gonna do it for you, but I'm here to support you” can be received in a wrong way
Always solving others’ problems can lead to codependency
The struggle to set boundaries
Navigating the haze [21:24]
Asking people the kind of help they need, and being clear if you can provide it
Asking people, “How can I support you?”
Trusting your loved ones that they’re strong enough to solve their own problems
Biggest lessons [27:17]
If you often solve others’ problems, you might end up expecting them to do the same for you
You need to see if a loved one is being too dependent on you
Simply asking “What do you think?” and letting them decide could go a really long way
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EPISODE QUOTES:
One of the worst things that you can do to someone that you love is to solve problems for them, and then expect them to do it for themselves the next time. I learned too that it can breed resentment from both ends; me for feeling like I got to always solve your problems and from the loved one, feeling like you don't trust them to solve their own problem.
- Scott Hayes
The safest way and the best way to maintain a relationship is to be clear about what a person needs, to be clear about what you can offer. And to let them know ‘Hey, this is your puzzle to put together. This ain't my shit.’
- Scott Hayes
The pre-solving is almost like an act of not trusting.
- Shaté Hayes
I think the best way to navigate, I agree with that, is just asking the question like, ‘What do you need from me? How can I best support you at this very moment?
- Shaté Hayes
RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE:
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